Goodbyes to three eras

1. Goodbye former house where I used to live with you, Neil. Goodbye studio. Goodbye kitchen. Goodbye deck with no railing. Goodbye swing structure without swing (remembering sitting in the swing). Goodbye funky cool basement with specialized clay shaping equipment for making plates and bowls. Goodbye basement bedroom. Goodbye backyard. Goodbye grand tall larch trees you brought home from the mountains as babies. Goodbye walk-in kiln that has to be taken apart and moved now. Goodbye Neil, beloved friend, former lover and partner, huge hearted kind man. You are gone now in body, but with me all the time. I hear you laugh. I see your mannerisms, your bouncy stride, your clownish antics. I feel your warm embrace, your safe harbor, your inner struggle with the patriarchal Christianity you were raised in, and that I was too. I see your example of living so simply, and so well. Not envious of what others have, and enjoying every moment of work and play. I often drive past your house on my routes through town, and feel the upwelling of tears. It's so hard to think I can't stop and visit. Goodbye Neil. I'm so grateful to have known you.
2. Goodbye condo. Goodbye safe haven. Goodbye cherished sweet times of it being a cozy mother/daughter nest. Goodbye feral kitten who had to be relinquished to the Humane Society. Goodbye regrets about that. Goodbye lovers who came and went from this space (mine, and hers). Goodbye dark days of thinking I was separating from Chris. Goodbye headaches of Airbnb. Goodbye tenants, and being a landlord. Goodbye having this place listed and dropping prices and hopes of having earned some equity by holding onto it for 10 years. Goodbye ideas of making money on real estate. Goodbye ideas of good investments. Goodbye losing money every month it was listed (9). Goodbye and good wishes to the new owner.
3. Goodbye High School alumni. Goodbye ideas of closeness because we spent one school year "together" 50 years ago. Goodbye cozy hegemony of the church and the narrow and twisted world views I grew up inside. Goodbye to the spool of nonsense that got inserted into my head. Goodbye to having that sense of belonging that can be both comforting and suffocating. Goodbye to the blinders that keep out anything that conflicts with the chosen world view. Goodbye to the family feeling of singing in harmony together in church. Goodbye to feeling obligated by the social rituals of my upbringing. Goodbye to singing from the same songsheet. Goodbye to the school on the hilltop and all of those memories (not that many as it has become clear).

All of this and more in the past week. As the world is going crazy. Having just been in downtown LA last month, I am feeling the craziness of what is happening there right now in my bones. So many people in so much pain and distress. And so many other people believing they are justified in causing that pain. It's a sickness to not understand that we are all connected, and we cannot not be. Thinking of everyone who is protesting bravely, in all the ways. And sending them strength. RESIST!

Thank you for being here.

xo

Karen / Blue

Here are some pieces I feel are worth spending time with in the blur of all of the content that whizzes past us on the daily.

Some Notes on the City of Angels and the Nature of Violence by Rebecca Solnit

How To Disagree With People and Still Love Them: Embracing Nuance in Polarized Times with Britt Barron in conversaiton with Alexandra Solomon

A Quantum Theory of History by Nathan Gardels